The Dreamer

This is a book about several recurring dreams I've had throughout my life. First, each dream is described, then followed by memories from my past and insights I gained from ruminating over it. Encouraged by my 5th Grade English teacher, I began writing recollections of my dreams on scraps of paper. In 8th Grade, I began keeping a formal dream journal. As I recalled a portion of the dream and journaled about it, I began to notice a jigsaw-puzzle take form, sometimes one piece at a time, other times large portions. As I matured, I realized that my dreams were also maturing. No longer was I drifting through the starlit skies in a trundle bed like Wendy and Peter Pan. Instead, I was at the controls of a rocket ship in outer space. The small child who once skipped on the sidewalk with her best friend grew into a young woman swinging for hours on ropes hanging from the ceiling of a vacant school auditorium.

When it came to dreams where I was interacting with animals or pets that had shared their lives with me, a surge of compassion and renewed memories arose. Although I'm not qualified to interpret dreams, I am happy to share my experiences with you, and hopefully, somewhere along the way, we will connect with one another at a deeper level. Each of my dreams has its own unique story that releases memories of times and circumstances specific to my journey in life ... sometimes happy ... sometimes sad ... other times angry or fearful.

When thinking about a dream, I attempt to address everything that troubles me or brings me joy so that I can arrive at a place of peace in my life. Looking too closely at my fears and phobias can create undue anxiety, which I would rather avoid. If I attempt a resolution or spend too much time working on solutions to better deal with my darker side, I can make myself physically ill. This has been a lifelong struggle because I don't want to involve others in the task of fixing me. I've found that I do much better when I work on these concerns in the privacy and protection of my own thoughts, using methods that I've already discovered work for me.

Some of my dreams are strange and frightening while others are scarcely discernable, which causes me to wrestle endlessly with them, taking up valuable time that I could be using to do more productive and enjoyable things. I believe the reason I have these recurring dreams is because of insurmountable mental and physical health challenges I have encountered throughout my life.

I've been hypervigilant since I was a toddler due to traumatic experiences that occurred during those early years in my life. One such occasion was when a man crawled through our bedroom window, awakening us. My mother jumped out of bed and smashed the window down on him. I still remember his scream and expedient exit, followed by the police coming to our door. It is an encounter such as this that created an overactive fear circuit in my brain that keeps me acutely aware of danger around me.

I have lived with an exaggerated startle reflex, a crippling anxiety disorder, Tourette syndrome, and bipolar disorder throughout most of my life. My anxiety is best controlled when I'm at home writing, interacting with my pets, or being out in my gardens. Having projects to work on helps me stay focused and healthy. Before my gramma passed away, she suffered with agoraphobia and rarely left her home. After my grampa died, she had to learn how to drive a car and shop for groceries, which she eventually accomplished with the help of my aunts. She had always taken care of herself by baking, canning, and playing the piano or organ. Much like my gramma, I avoid group gatherings and large crowds, but I'm able to drive and do my own shopping. With stage IV melanoma skin cancer that metastasized from my upper left arm to my lower right lung, resulting in two major surgeries, followed by breaking my hip three years ago, requiring yet an