Unemployed
Desperate and overwhelmed by the mind-numbing sameness of each day during ten months of unemployment and no interviews, our heroine Laurie slowly unravels as she lowers her employment expectations. Coming apart at the seams from the pounding boredom, she accepts a job she is extremely overqualified for, because she is willing to "take anything at this point." Watch as Laurie's flawed and negative thinking takes her "anything" job from bad to worse to intolerable. Based on a true story, Unemployed shows how Laurie's family, including a crazy and outspoken mother-in-law, gets what they're thinking about, for better or worse, each and every time. Like a swarming band of locusts, the family brings on nervousness, lack of money, a raucous trip in an inner tube, a whopping case of hemorrhoids, the pursuit of a replacement dog (just in case), the medicinal consumption of gallons of red wine, and some pretty lively dinner conversation. Laurie's thoughts take one shockingly simple turn, and the door to the life of her dreams swings wide open. If you're unemployed, working in a job you hate, have the boss from hell, have a crazy mother-in-law, or you simply like to laugh, you will relate to Unemployed: How Desperation Led Me to the Worst Job Ever.
Shopping With Ding-a-ling
This book contains a collection of incidents involving shopping with Ding-A-Ling, my mother-in-law. It is not meant to ridicule her, but simply is a recounting of her ways of twisting words and thoughts. She was born with an obvious learning disability. It is difficult for her to find appropriate words and to pronounce them correctly. As a person who was blessed at birth with the ability to manipulate words, I think the good Lord put me with Ding-A-Ling on purpose. My job has been to straighten out the grammatical mistakes she has made; she, however, has viewed this in a different light. I am sure she has always felt that I have been making fun of her. Nothing could be further from the truth; I have only wanted to keep others from ridiculing her. Many people think Ding-A-Ling's mistakes are due to senility. At her age, this could be partially true. I have concluded, however, that deep inside her brain is more intelligence than people give her credit for. Her ability to analyze numbers is phenomenal. It is simply a case of an area of her brain not operating correctly when the manipulation of words is required.
Shopping With Ding-a-ling
This book contains a collection of incidents involving shopping with Ding-A-Ling, my mother-in-law. It is not meant to ridicule her, but simply is a recounting of her ways of twisting words and thoughts. She was born with an obvious learning disability. It is difficult for her to find appropriate words and to pronounce them correctly. As a person who was blessed at birth with the ability to manipulate words, I think the good Lord put me with Ding-A-Ling on purpose. My job has been to straighten out the grammatical mistakes she has made; she, however, has viewed this in a different light. I am sure she has always felt that I have been making fun of her. Nothing could be further from the truth; I have only wanted to keep others from ridiculing her. Many people think Ding-A-Ling's mistakes are due to senility. At her age, this could be partially true. I have concluded, however, that deep inside her brain is more intelligence than people give her credit for. Her ability to analyze numbers is phenomenal. It is simply a case of an area of her brain not operating correctly when the manipulation of words is required.
Rube Goldberg
Welcome to the world of that archetypal American, Reuben Lucius Goldberg, the dean of American cartoonists for most of the twentieth century. For more than sixty-five years, Rube Goldberg's syndicated cartoons -- he produced more than fifty strips -- appeared in as many as a thousand newspapers annually He was earning a hundred thousand dollars a year...in 1915. He wrote hit songs and stories and was, in succession, a star in vaudeville, motion pictures, newsreels, radio, and, finally, television. He even, at the age of eighty, began an entirely new career as a sculptor, and, in inimitable Goldberg fashion, was soon selling his work to galleries, collectors, and museums all over the world. Sure, Rube won the Pulitzer Prize. Every year some cartoonist wins the Pulitzer Prize. But the National Cartoonists Society named its award -- the Reuben -- after you-know-who. But it was Rube's "Inventions," those drawings of intricate and whimsical machines, that earned Rube his very own entry in Webster's New World Dictionary: Rube Goldberg...adjective...Designating any very complicated invention, machine, scheme, etc. laboriously contrived to perform a seemingly simple operation. "Inventions," even the earliest ones that date from 1914, are still being republished and recycled today as they have been over the last eighty-five years. New generations rediscover and enjoy them every day, even though their creator cleaned his pens, put the cap on his bottle of Higgins Black India Ink, and cleared his drawing board for the last time almost thirty years ago. The inventions inspired the National Rube Goldberg(TM) Machine Contest, held annually at Purdue University, an "Olympics of complexity" in which hundreds of engineering students from American universities and colleges -- and even middle and high schools -- compete to build and run Rube Goldberg invention machines that perform, in twenty or more steps, the annual challenge. In 1970 the Smithsonian Institution hosted a show honoring Rube Goldberg's lifework. In a life filled with superlatives, it hardly needs mentioning that Rube is the only living cartoonist and humorist to have been so honored. In his speech at the show's opening, Rube said, "Many of the younger generation know my name in a vague way and connect it with grotesque inventions, but don't believe that I ever existed as a person. They think I am a nonperson, just a name that signifies a tangled web of pipes or wires or strings that suggest machinery. My name to them is like spiral staircase, veal cutlets, barber's itch -- terms that give you an immediate picture of what they mean..." So welcome to a collection of spiral staircases and veal cutlets -- to the inventions of an American original, a creative genius named Rube Goldberg.
Punching Tom Hanks
The world around you is a dangerous place. It's teeming with savages, thugs, angry toddlers, and disgruntled clowns. And every one of them is secretly mulling a scenario that ends with them kicking you square in the junk. What do you do if you want to take on The Batman and live to brag about it to your kids? What do you do if a rabid alligator picks a fight with your little sister? What do you do if the beloved star of "Forrest Gump" tells you to "shut the hell up" in front of a huge crowd? You read this book. It offers simple, effective instructions for beating up zombies, robots, co-workers--anything. The only limits are your imagination... and your habit of not following through on things, and possibly your uncoordinated, at times comically frail body.
The Baby Train
Jan Harold Brunvand--''Mr. Urban Legend" [Smithsonian]--tracks the most fabulous tales making today's cocktail-party circuit and shows why those stories that sound too good to be true probably are too good to be true. The eponymous episode--"The Baby Train"--sheds light on certain predawn activities that have linked unusually high birth rates to the whim of train schedule makers. Other stories offer a revealing peek behind the story of "The Exploding Bra," expose the embarrassing source of "The Hairdresser's Error," resurrect a "Failed Suicide" Buster Keaton would have died for, and show why adults are better off not bringing their comic book fantasies out of the closet. From "Superhero Hijinx" to "The Shocking Videotape" to "The Accidental Cannibal," The Baby Train uncovers the mysteries behind some of the bawdiest, goriest, funniest, most pyrotechnic urban legends yet.
Thank You Notes
Jimmy Fallon is very thankful. And in this first book to come from his TV show, he expresses his gratitude for everything from the light bulb he's too lazy to replace to the F12 button on his computer's keyboard. He thanks microbreweries for making his alcoholism seem like a neat hobby. He thanks the name "Lloyd" for having two L's. Otherwise it would just sound like "Loyd." He thanks the slow-moving family walking in front of him on the sidewalk. Without this "barricade of idiots," he might never have been forced to walk in the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to get around them. He's thankful to you, the person reading this right now. It means you're considering buying this book. You should do it. You will be thankful that you did.
Essays on American Humor
Walter Blair was the literary scholar who almost single-handedly gave the study of American humor significance in the academic world. By categorizing the writings of American literary humorists into such diverse styles as the Old Southwest, Local Color, and Literary Comedian humor -- each having serious social import--Blair abolished the notion that they were all practicing the same kind of intellectual irreverence. Moving through more than six decades of Walter Blair's works, Essays on American Humor: Blair through the Ages provides a comprehensive introduction to the discipline he developed. Hamlin Hill has selected and ordered this collection to show the scope of Blair's expertise, which encompasses the careers of tall-tale characters like Baron Munchausen as well as the achievements of such real-life humorists as E. B. White. The pieces range in time from Blair's introduction to the 1928 edition of Julia A. Moore's poetry to his 1989 introduction to a work commemorating Davy Crockett's two-hundredth anniversary. Historical and biographical essays, source-and-influence studies, and analyses of texts constitute the bulk of the book. An entire section is devoted to discourses on Mark Twain, Blair's major subject.
Loaded!
Do you want to be rich? Really rich? Like, Tom Selleck rich? Buy this book and we guarantee a lifetime of obscene wealth---or your money back!* The Florida Panhandle's most renowned top-gun entrepreneurs, The Dollar Bills, will teach you all the tricks of the trade to get rich fast and look great doing it: --Learn "The 5 Cs of Credit" (Cancun, Convertibles, Cognac, Chinchilla Coats, Cuticles)--Invest in exotic pets and floating assets (i.e., cigarette boats, pontoon boats, and other personal watercraft)--Get to know Freddie Mac, and learn why he should be respected (he was the hard-hitting, two-time Pro Bowl safety for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers during the mid-'80s) Loaded!: Become a Millionaire Overnight and Lose 20 Pounds in 2 Weeks, or Your Money Back shares all these hot tips, and many, many more--from the investing pair with the Midas touch! Turn your life---and your bathroom fixtures---to 24-karat gold with The Dollar Bills! *We're never giving you your money back.
America's Irresistible Attraction
Part travelogue, part memoir, and part novel, David M. Dinga's newest book explores the many disparities between fantasy and reality lived by many immigrants to the United States. Featuring characters both real and fictional, Dinga shares his observations about the realities of making a new life in a new country, from both sides of the experience. The desire to immigrate to America is one shared by people all over the world, people who are often unaware of what it takes to thrive in a competitive, capitalist world where nothing is the same as before. Settling down in a new environment and navigating the politics and stresses of finding a job are just two of the aspects of culture shock a new immigrant will face. Expectations and responsibilities from those back home also add to the new immigrant's challenges, and Dinga offers his suggestions on how to thrive under those stresses as well. He speaks not only to the potential immigrant but to those officials in power on either side of the process as well. Learning to make the right choices when presented with so many options is another life lesson addressed. The American society, freedoms, choices, and government are envied in many corners of the world, and Dinga explores how that perception influences the decision to start the journey. People need to know that living in America has its challenges-challenges not often imagined when the desire to immigrate pushes them to cross deserts, oceans, and unfriendly skies.
Bossypants
Spirited and whip-smart, these laugh-out-loud autobiographical essays are "a masterpiece" from the Emmy Award-winning actress and comedy writer known for 30 Rock, Mean Girls, and SNL" (Sunday Telegraph). Before Liz Lemon, before "Weekend Update," before "Sarah Palin," Tina Fey was just a young girl with a dream: a recurring stress dream that she was being chased through a local airport by her middle-school gym teacher. She also had a dream that one day she would be a comedian on TV. She has seen both these dreams come true. At last, Tina Fey's story can be told. From her youthful days as a vicious nerd to her tour of duty on Saturday Night Live; from her passionately halfhearted pursuit of physical beauty to her life as a mother eating things off the floor; from her one-sided college romance to her nearly fatal honeymoon -- from the beginning of this paragraph to this final sentence. Tina Fey reveals all, and proves what we've always suspected: you're no one until someone calls you bossy. Includes Special, Never-Before-Solicited Opinions on Breastfeeding, Princesses, Photoshop, the Electoral Process, and Italian Rum Cake!
Just a Spoonful of Laughter Helps the Medicine Go Down
Just a Spoon Full of Laughter...is a great read for anyone that's been to a doctors office and made it out alive. Written by an actual physician, it will keep you in stitches (no pun intended) from one story to the next. See for yourself what could be so funny about the physician office visit. Whether it's recalling his first sigmoidoscopy or performing an autopsy, you'll keep this riveting series of short humorous stories right there in the bathroom for pleasurable reading. You may even find yourself somewhere between the pages. From an author who will never be a New York Times Best Seller, it's a great book for young or old, male or female, professional or not. It's especially ideal for that person in your life who has everything except a sense of humor. It's ideal as a stocking stuffer, white elephant gift or for future yard sales. "The funniest book I ever read." Says Dr. Zhivago "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Says Dr. No
Garfield Fat Cat 3-Pack
This rollicking collection includes three books in one: Garfield Rounds Out, Garfield Chews the Fat, and Garfield Goes to Waist. Get ready for a triple dose of laughs with the world's funniest fat cat. Garfield's back in all his gut-busting glory: catching his tongue in the electric mixer; revealing his distate for milk (he was once frightened by an udder); pranking Jon for serving him a rubber pizza; and bobbing for croutons. When it comes to humor, forget the rest, you've found the best--Garfield! The GARFIELD FAT CAT 3-PACK series collects the GARFIELD comic-strip compilation books in a new, full-color format. Garfield may have gone through a few changes, but one thing has stayed the same: his enormous appetite for food and fun. So enjoy some supersized laughs with the insatiable cat, because too much fun is never enough!
Prince Valiant
With this volume, Foster reaches (by common critical consensus) the peak of his drawing and storytelling prowess--a peak at which he will remains for most of the run of this glorious strip. Almost the entirety of 1941's strips feature a single ten-month epic entitled "Fights for the Singing Sword," a globetrotting adventure fueled by Valiant's obsessive search for his bride-to-be Aleta throughout Northern Africa, with stops in Jerusalem, the Arabic deserts, and, inevitably, a harem which Val must infiltrate. Then finally, in "The Misty Isles" Valiant meets Aleta face to face but upon learning that she has had his crew killed (deservedly so, actually, but still), he flees in anger, vowing never to see her again. "Homeward Bound," Valiant continues his travels, with stops in Athens (where he meets the boisterous Viking Boltar, who will become his friend for life), North Africa, and Gaul (where Valiant liberates Gawain), before finally returning to Camelot. But his joyous return is short-lived as an alliance of Picts and Vikings threatens Britain's security, and thus Valiant must journey forth with, as his ultimate destination, "The Roman Wall."
The Married Man's Guide to Cheating
Variety is the spice of life! Can you imagine what life would be like without variety-only eating soup every day, watching the same television show, or wearing the same shirt or the same pair of pants every day? Doesn't that just seem ludicrous? So why would we have sex with the same woman for the rest of our lives? While author Mr. Goodbar believes that being in a committed relationship, such as marriage, can be good-even great at times-it can also become repetitive and even boring. The Married Man's Guide to Cheating was written to help men enjoy the spice of life without having to pay the ultimate price-losing their married life, having to pay alimony or child support, and losing half of everything they own. Most of this guide was developed based on discussions with married men who have either been successfully cheating or those who have been caught cheating. Just about every married man with whom Mr. Goodbar spoke, when asked how long they been married, responded, "Too long!" The Married Man's Guide to Cheating offers insight into how to become a successful cheater and common actions to avoid when cheating.
How the Hell Did 50 Happen?
A great little gift for the over-the-hill, featuring 50 hilarious coupons that highlight the joys (and the pains) of getting older. Forget that overpriced greeting card! These 50 illustrated vouchers are the perfect way to honor the mother of all milestones: the big 5-0. Better than a penalty-free withdrawal, they're sure to bring a few good laughs at the joys (and the pains) of getting older. The convenient size and perforated pages enable a gift giver to bestow birthday coupons individually by tucking them into a card, purse, or briefcase. Perfect for birthdays, and a great gift for anytime anyone is dealing with a midlife milestone!
Getting Old Sucks!... But It Beats the Alternative!
A great little gift for the middle-aged, featuring 50 hilarious coupons that highlight the joys (and the pains) of getting older. Getting Old Sucks!... But It Beats the Alternative! is the coupon books for those not afraid to complain about their age, but not afraid to laugh about it! We could all use a little break as we get older, and these coupons can be redeemed for a guilt-free nap, the right to not act your age, one-time use of the phrase, "Back in my day . . .," permission to conceal "six-pack abs" with protective layer of organic "padding," and more. The convenient size and perforated pages also enable a gift giver to bestow birthday coupons individually by tucking them into a card, purse, or briefcase. Perfect for birthdays, and a great gift for anyone experiencing a midlife milestone!
My Dead Dad Was in ZZ Top
With this shocking tell-all, revealing the all-true, 100% fake secrets about music's biggest names, Jon Glaser--a writer for Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and the creator and star of Adult Swim's Delocated--is about to rock the world of, well, rock and roll. The long-buried (or possibly, never-yet-imagined) dreadful secrets of music's most notable talents--including Prince's bar mitvah remixes, Fleetwood Mac's deals with McDonald's, and more--are, in the vein of John Hodgman's More Information Than You Require and The Onion's Our Dumb Century, a wry and blasphemous tribute to the popular culture icons we hold dear.Based on recently discovered (and probably forged) documents, this book finally answers the questions you never thought to ask.Absurdist Humor: Find out why the author's dad left ZZ Top in a series of increasingly unhinged letters.Secret Documents: Uncover never-before-seen artifacts, including Prince's bat mitzvah set list and the cocktail napkin that reveals Van Halen's original, far less cool band name.Music Humor: Witness the moment your favorite artists sold out, from Fleetwood Mac's secret deal with McDonald's to Bob Dylan's abandoned jingles for local mattress stores.Deadpan Comedy: A perfect gift for fans of John Hodgman, The Onion, and Adult Swim who appreciate a completely straight-faced approach to the utterly ridiculous.
Me & My Cousin Ronnie
Some of what is contained between the covers of this book is fiction, but a good deal of it is fact. It is up to you, the reader, to decide which is what. And keep in mind the old saying, "Truth is stranger than fiction," is often true. So, if you like to reminisce and have a good laugh while doing so, ME & MY COUSIN RONNIE is a must read.
Mis-Adventures of the Red Headed Kid
Dear Readers, I sincerely hope that you enjoy reading this book as much as I did writing it. It has truly been a blessing to bear witness of God's protection, mercy and grace throughout Jerry's life. I believe his life was spared countless times, not only because God knew how much of a blessing he would be to Cooper and I, but also in order that his testimony could inspire others. God is no respecter of persons. He has good plans for each of you and will rescue you, protect and guide you through whatever comes your way - if you will let Him. It is our prayer that you will be blessed by reading this book. Love in Christ, Cheryl
The Cracker Poemer Collections An Anthology by J. Carroll Barnhill
Author Biography Everyone's heard of the 'Good Old Boys' in the Deep South. This is about one J. Carroll Barnhill who likes to say, "seven twenty seven and thirty three and I've been here a while as you can see." Born, bred and raised in Bradenton-Manatee County, Florida, he attended all Manatee schools, receiving a Distinguished Achievement award in Junior High. In Manatee High School, he received the Outstanding Senior Award, football, track, President of the Florida Future Farmers of America, National Honor Society, Best Physique, football scholarship, a Boy Scout and an Assistant Scoutmaster. Carroll has five children: three boys, two girls, nine grandchildren and four great grandchildren. He worked at a dairy farm from age 12 to 20, and had a 29-year career at Florida Power and Light Company. He won many horseshow trophies and championships, also judged and helped organize two horseshow circuits. He traded his first cow for a Pinto mare and raised its foal, "Rocket," featured in a book about famous horses of all breeds, entitled "Hoof Prints in Time." He went to Chicago and brought back the thoroughbred stallion, 'Springside, ' grandson of 'Man O'War, ' thus beginning his lifelong ambition to breed, train and race thoroughbred racehorses, winning over 400 races, several stake races and set track records. He was also voted "Outstanding Performer" by the Turf Writers. He will tell you a horse bucked him off in 2004 which finally lined up his brain cells and then wrote his first poem. He is always surprised when people like his "silly little poems" and tell him he is "blessed, talented and gifted." His reply is, "I just do it for fun and to make people happy." Carroll's football coach, Wheeler Leeth always said, "Stay in your own pond." So here Carroll remains in Manatee County.
You Are the Messiah!
Journey back in time to the faraway Biblical land of Palestine in thirty-something A.D. Experience the greatest story ever told from a unique perspective in this religious parody of a children's game book for adults. In You Are the Messiah!, take a humorous and irreverant journey through the life of Jesus Christ-the lives he touches, the miracles he executes, and the roads he travels during the most tumultuous period of his life-from the clumsy beginning of his ministry, to the development of his fabled miracle-working powers, and ultimately, to his tortured sacrifice on the cross as he struggles with becoming humanity's unlucky savior. Turn the page, but watch out. The choices made at the end of each plot point can either further the story along the correct path, lead to crazy side stories, or end in a comically brutal death-or much worse. Along the way, you'll get the chance to answer one age-old question: What would Jesus really do?
Rickles' Letters
Along with collected letters of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thomas Jefferson and Wendell Willkie, Rickles' Letters illustrates the power of eloquent correspondence and offers universal wisdom for the ages. For example: RICKLES TO MRS. LINCOLN: "Sorry you had problems at Ford's Theatre last night, but could you get me a couple of aisle tickets for the Saturday matinee?" RICKLES TO ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: "Lose the cigar. It's hard enough to understand you without it." RICKLES TO CLINT EASTWOOD: "How many guys could do a movie about Iwo Jima from the Japanese point of view? I got nervous; I thought you were going to let them win!" RICKLES TO SANTA CLAUS: "Kiss my jingle bells." RICKLES TO PRESIDENT CARTER: "Forget your hammers and nails and Habitat House and read my book." RICKLES TO QUEEN ELIZABETH: "Is it true your husband has a day job working at a sword factory?" RICKLES TO BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: "Cousin Herbie was doing great selling candles until you came up with the stupid idea of flying a kite." RICKLES TO MAYOR BLOOMBERG: "What do I have to do to get a cab around here?"
Texas Wit & Wisdom
Texas Wit & Wisdom is a barrel of laughs crammed into one little ol' book. Inside you'll find a friendly collection of hundreds of anecdotes, humorous stories, wild tales, and even some surprising wisdom from the often wacky, but always wonderful, world of the Lone Star State. Wallace Chariton, a fifth generation native Texan and author of several books on Texas, has carefully collected the best examples of Texas fun and humor and put them all together in this book, the ultimate collection of Texas humor.
Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney is a classic chronicler of America and her foibles. Over more than six decades of intrepid reporting and elegant essays, Rooney has told it to us straight and without a hint of sugar coating, but with more than a grain of truth and humor. Andy Rooney: 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit brings together the best of more than a half-century of work (including long-out-of-print pieces from Rooney's early years) in an unforgettable celebration of one of America's funniest men. With selections from his beginnings as a correspondent for The Stars and Stripes during WWII to his arrival at CBS to his more than thirty-year stint on 60 Minutes, this book is a must-have for any Rooney fan.
Garfield Fat Cat 3-Pack
This fun-filled collection includes three books in one: Garfield Food for Thought, Garfield Swallows His Pride, and Garfield Worldwide. When the owner's away, the cat will play--especially if that cat is Garfield, the portly practitioner of mischief and mayhem. But then again, Garfield gets just as much--or more--satisfaction doing his damage when Jon is around. Mauling a mailman, pummeling a pizza, dissing a dog, giving Jon a "gentle reminder" that it's mealtime...it's all good. Because Garfield is good at being bad! The GARFIELD FAT CAT 3-PACK series collects the GARFIELD comic-strip compilation books in a new, full-color format. Garfield may have gone through a few changes, but one thing has stayed the same: his enormous appetite for food and fun. So enjoy some supersized laughs with the insatiable cat, because too much fun is never enough!
You're Making That Face Again
Lauded by the Los Angeles Times "as one of the freshest and most imaginative comic strips" and designated as Best Newspaper Comic Strip twice by the National Cartoonists Society, Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman's Zits chronicles many of the scenes that play out under the rooftops of more than 80.5 million homes across the country.Artfully exploring insecurities, societal pressures, and just plain teenage goofiness, Scott and Borgman contrast the experiences of adolescence and parenthood. Sixteen-year-old Jeremy Duncan is learning to navigate residential byways and high school hallways while the parentals, a.k.a. Connie and Walt Duncan, try to keep pace and find a little peace.
I Hate Everything
A complete list of all things to hate--maybe some you hadn't even realized you hate or some that you can rejoice in because someone finally agrees with you. For some people hate warms the soul. For those people, this book will warm your soul right up. That is, if you even have one. I hate that I'm going bald.I hate that I still make fun of bald people.I hate karma. Amateur haters, step aside. Time to learn what it really means to be miserable. Because this guy hates everything. From hating the little irks that happen now and then (like the water that squirts out of the mustard bottle) to hating the unfortunate realities of today's world (like that superheroes don't exist...but villains do), Matthew DiBenedetti tells readers how he really feels. With such a variety of miserable musings, you'll find something to laugh at--and someone to loathe with--in this book.
Amy's Answering Machine
Does your mother call you in a panic whenever there's a storm warning for your area? Does she act as though it's her duty to alert you to every health story on the news? Have you ever been briefly out of touch with your mother only to find she's phoned everyone short of the National Guard to track you down -- or, just maybe, are you that mother? Take comfort in knowing you're not alone, as Amy Borkowsky shares more than a decade's worth of maddening phone messages from her hilariously overprotective mom. Based on the hit CD of the same name, Amy's Answering Machine features actual messages in which Amy's mom warns her not to wear a red bathrobe because a friend's grandson "said that red is a gang color"...advises her not to get a cat because "what if you finally found a nice guy and he was allergic?"...cautions her not to wear crepe-soled shoes because "they were just saying on the news that if you're ever in a plane crash, crepe is no good if you have to go down the slide." Amy also reveals the stories behind the messages and shares calls not available on CD, each one brimming with the worry and annoying comments only a loving mother could dish out. The same warnings and suggestions that had Amy cringing are sure to have you doubled over with laughter. But before you turn the page, take some advice from Amy's mom: Make sure you have plenty of reading light, because squinting causes crow's feet.
![[You] Ruined It for Everyone!](https://cdn.kingstone.com.tw/english/images/product/2889/9781593762889.webp "[You] Ruined It for Everyone!")
[You] Ruined It for Everyone!
Energy sources are massively depleted. The government is wasteful and incompetent. The economy is imploding, the environment is toxic, and international terrorism threatens our day-to-day lives. And gum sucks. It just sucks. Who is responsible? Who made our world so dangerous, so unlivable, so stupid? Matthew Vincent is unafraid to name names. Who's to blame for the three-ounce rule on airplanes? Who came up with the bright idea of branding every single sports stadium? Who made curling an Olympic event? Which pope made celibacy mandatory? Who invented daylight saving time? (Who doesn't hate daylight saving time?) Here's a book that'll tell you who invented every unnecessary, annoying gadget that plagues modern life and haunts your dreams. It's a book to keep in your bathroom for perusal before you end up having to drink out of your toilet bowl because there's no potable water left in your hemisphere. Here's a book that'll tell you who ruined it for everyone.
How to Eat at a Restaurant
"This is the best book I've ever read." - Me "I feel like I just had a butt whoopin'." - Satisfi ed Customer M. K. Leary was at one time a server. During this miserable period of her life she wrote a how-to guide on something that seemed to go beyond the common sense of people. How to Eat at a Restaurant was her attempt to make the world a better place. She believes whole-heartedly that going out to eat should be licensed only to those people who have read this book.
Desktop Ping Pong
Ping pong lovers can now take their favorite sport with them wherever they go with this mini-sized ping pong set. This portable set includes all you need to get a competitive ping pong game going in minutes: 2 mini paddleseasy-to-assemble netping pong ballMini book with tips on game play and trivia
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
Move over zombies and adolescent vampires. There's a new threat in town--and it's only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And it's here. Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system--Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply--for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and--in the event that a secured perimeter is breached--confronting and combating the attackers at close range.
Old Jews Telling Jokes
A grasshopper walked into a bar and ordered a drink.The bartender looked at him and said, "You know we have a drink named after you?"The grasshopper replied, "You have a drink named Stanley?" Schtick happens. For five thousand years, God's chosen people have cornered the market on knee-slappers, zingers, and knock-knock jokes. Now Old Jews Telling Jokes mines mothers, fathers, bubbies, and zaydes for comic gelt. What we get are jokes that are funnier than a pie in the punim: Abie and Becky jokes; hilarious rabbi, doctor, and mohel tales; and those bits just for Mom (Q: What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler? A: Eventually a Rottweiler will let go!). Some are just naughty and some are downright bawdy--but either way you'll laugh till you plotz. With Borscht Belt gags from Brooklyn to Bel Air to Boca, Old Jews Telling Jokes is like chicken soup for your funny bone. I mean, would it kill you to laugh a little?
Wordapodia
Humorist and wordsmith extraordinaire Matthew Goldberg shares over two hundred and fifty fake words for others to learn and use as they attempt to heal themselves from carpool tunnel syndrome, battle strange hankerings for good old-fashioned Talibanjo music, and watch helplessly as their dogs conk out from barkolepsy. Goldberg was unintentionally born into a family that has always used words creatively and he relies on his internal artistic fire to share both one-word and multiple-word entries, called wordapods. While introducing such words and phrases as boredello, anthropomurphic, and hit-and-shun accident, Goldberg includes definitions, sample sentences, ways to master the word, and trivia that will both entertain and inform. Goldberg interviews dozens of fascinating characters that help define the words including Vegestarian Mars Greenman, Pastafari Scholar Tosh Kingsmon, and baseball fan and original boob bird Clara Heatley. Meant for the creative word enthusiast, the budding semantician, and for anyone with a good sense of humor, Wordapodia: Volume One provides a unique compilation of new words, fun facts, and observations. So, hold your breath, grab on to your caribooster seat, and get ready for a wild ride through one man's imagination.
Wordapodia
Humorist and wordsmith extraordinaire Matthew Goldberg shares over two hundred and fifty fake words for others to learn and use as they attempt to heal themselves from carpool tunnel syndrome, battle strange hankerings for good old-fashioned Talibanjo music, and watch helplessly as their dogs conk out from barkolepsy. Goldberg was unintentionally born into a family that has always used words creatively and he relies on his internal artistic fire to share both one-word and multiple-word entries, called wordapods. While introducing such words and phrases as boredello, anthropomurphic, and hit-and-shun accident, Goldberg includes definitions, sample sentences, ways to master the word, and trivia that will both entertain and inform. Goldberg interviews dozens of fascinating characters that help define the words including Vegestarian Mars Greenman, Pastafari Scholar Tosh Kingsmon, and baseball fan and original boob bird Clara Heatley. Meant for the creative word enthusiast, the budding semantician, and for anyone with a good sense of humor, Wordapodia: Volume One provides a unique compilation of new words, fun facts, and observations. So, hold your breath, grab on to your caribooster seat, and get ready for a wild ride through one man's imagination.
Stuff Hipsters Hate
PRAISE FOR stuffhipstershate.tumblr.com"Depressingly astute."--The New Yorker"Wickedly funny."--The FriskyFrom the dive bars of Brooklyn's Williamsburg to the dirty alleys of San Francisco's Mission, the urban hipster has redefined American cool with a sighing disdain for everything mainstream. Hipsters are easily identified by their worn-out shoes, fixies and PBR tallboys, but until now no one had investigated beyond the hipster look to the even more hilarious hipster psyche. With personally researched articles, revealing illustrations and helpful charts and graphs, Stuff Hipsters Hate exposes the bottomless well of impassioned scorn that motivates the ever-apathetic hipster, including: MATING AND SOCIAL HATES♦buying you a drink♦monogamy♦texting back in a timely fashionAPPAREL AND GROOMING HATES♦high heels♦muscles♦being asked about their tattoosWORK AND LIFE HATES♦full-time jobs♦knowing their bank balance♦enthusiasm
Xkcd
Randall Munroe describes xkcd as a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. While it's practically required reading in the geek community, xkcd fans are as varied as the comic's subject matter. This book creates laughs from science jokes on one page to relationship humor on another. xkcd: volume 0 is the first book from the immensely popular webcomic with a passionate readership (just Google xkcd meetup). The artist selected personal and fan favorites from his first 600 comics. It was lovingly assembled from high-resolution original scans of the comics (the mouseover text is discreetly included), and features a lot of doodles, notes, and puzzles in the margins. The book is published by Breadpig, which donates all of the publisher profits from this book to Room to Read for promoting literacy in the developing world.
Discover Your Inner Hermit Crab
Jim Toomey's environmentally aware comic strip, Sherman's Lagoon, appears in 150 newspapers in 30 countries and in 6 languages. Inside this latest cartoon collection, Discover Your Inner Hermit Crab, more than 42 weeks of Sherman's Lagoon stand ready to transport readers to an imaginary lagoon near the South Pacific island of Kapupu in the Palauan archipelago of Micronesia, where a cast of coral-reef critters battles the encroachment of the hairless beach apes with their so-called civilized human ways.Inhabitants of this nautical neighborhood include Sherman, an always-hungry-but-otherwise-typical great white shark; his witty, pearl-wearing wife, Megan; friendly Fillmore the turtle; geeky fish Ernest; macho hermit crab Hawthorne; and salty old Captain Quigley, who remains vengeful having lost his leg to Sherman.Lauded for promoting marine conservation, Toomey has been described as a "breath of fresh water" by the Washington Post and designated as an Environmental Hero by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in recognition of his efforts to protect and preserve the nation's environment.
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat, first published in 1982, has sold more than 100,000 copies. Without skipping a beat, one of America's favorite humorists, the late Lewis Grizzard, tells of the early stirrings of his wayward heart in the backseat of a '57 Chevy and the ominous murmurings that led him at age thirty-five to major surgery and the real answer to his question, "How much is this going to hurt?" In the process, he discovers all the ways a heart can break. Young love. Three marriages. His father's death. And why his entire future suddenly depended on a little pig. He tells the truth--the whole truth--the kind that has readers laughing through their tears. United Press International said, "It makes you feel good to know a person can face the tubes, wires, knives, and needles of major heart surgery and make you laugh about it--hilarious!"
Curb and Leash Your Human
Andrew was writing a book about how to live with crazy humans. He died before he could finish it. When Rita came on the scene, she decided to finish the book and really tell humans what is wrong with them.
Curb and Leash Your Human
Andrew was writing a book about how to live with crazy humans. He died before he could finish it. When Rita came on the scene, she decided to finish the book and really tell humans what is wrong with them.
Love, Sex & Deception
Have you ever had an unforgettable date? Sure you have, but did he arrive dressed as Elvis and it wasn't Halloween? What about the guy who said, "I'm divorced" but failed to mention having since remarried? Learn how to be a savvy shopper of the online menu and gain the important investment anyone makes-your affection, trust and time. Lisa and Claire Hultin are a mother-daughter team, who date online, compare notes and have collected real life experiences from men and women who are dipping their toes into online dating exposing the real "cyber-scene." They share insight, tips, tricks and entertaining stories that reveal the perils and successes you can encounter while navigating through the Internet jungle. Learn positive strategies and what to look out for from finding true love and great sex to the deception and outrageous incidents people experience in online "dating limbo." This self-help, high comedy and drama all wrapped up in narratives gives you a titillating bird's eye view of what you can encounter if you take the plunge. Reality is the best education!
All My Friends Are Dead
All My Friends Are Dead is both the saddest funny book and the funniest sad book you'll ever read. This witty and captivating tale offers a delightful primer for laughing at the inevitable: If you're a dinosaur, all your friends are dead. If you're a pirate, all your friends have scurvy. If you're a tree, all your friends are end tables. Showcasing the downside of being everything from a clown to a cassette tape to a zombie, each page of this illustrated humor book is laugh-out-loud funny. Simple yet effective comic-style imagery and short, hilarious quips come together to create an amusing adventure through a range of unique grievances and wide-eyed dilemmas, from the sock whose only friends have gone missing to the houseplant whose friends are being slowly killed by irresponsible plant owners (like you). Cute and dark all at once, this children's book for adults presents endlessly entertaining stories about life and existential predicaments. TALENTED TEAM: National bestseller All My Friends Are Dead and companion volume All My Friends Are Still Dead are written by Avery Monsen, an actor, artist, and writer and Jory John, a writer, editor, and journalist. They are friends, and neither is dead. Yet. READERS LOVE IT: With hundreds of five-star ratings, reviewers can't get enough of this book. One calls it "gloriously dark," and another says that "guests are drawn to it like a magnet." EDITORIAL RAVES: This uproarious book has garnered praise from several media outlets, including The Huffington Post: "Laugh out loud funny, and a tiny bit disturbing. In other words, perfect." and Paste magazine: "Finds humor in mortality." Perfect for: Fans of darkly comic or slightly inappropriate books Gift givers shopping for a fun birthday or retirement gift Anyone looking for a unique coffee table book or conversation starter Readers of Jory John's #1 New York Times bestselling books The Good Egg, The Sour Grape, and other titles in The Bad Seed series
Send Them Victorious
Since 2006, under the guise of the Wing Commander, a somewhat xenophobic veteran of numerous campaigns including the Boer War, David Stubbs has written reports on every major England fixture. These lay stress just not on the inestimable virtues of the England team, who merely by being English hold an advantage over the opposition, but on the shabby deficiencies of their hapless foreign opponents. They're larded with historical reference and cultural speculation as to the frightfulness of the swarthy foe. England, as ever, expects in the run-up to the 2010 World Cup. These reports capture the essence of fervent, St George cross flag waving optimism as footballing fever grips the nation.
Creepiosity
Grown men in Boy Scout uniforms, old ladies with really long hair . . . this hilarious book will creep you out. In his hilarious yet disturbing (because it's so true) book Creepiosity: A Hilarious Guide to the Unintentionally Creepy, comedy writer David Bickel presents readers with 100 of the most unsettling everyday things, such as grown men in Boy Scout uniforms, old ladies with really long hair, fish with people faces, lifelike baby dolls, and much more. Bickel infuses each subject with comedic insight into what exactly makes it creepy and provides an appropriately hilarious photo to help illustrate his point. And since not all creepiness is created equal, Bickel has invented an unnecessarily complex mathematical formula (or Creepiosity Index, if you will) to quantify each unsettling item's relative creepiness. (Band-Aids that were once affixed to someone's body but now aren't: 7.454.) However, Bickel also acknowledges that creepiness, universal as it may be, is far from absolute. To that end, he invites readers to assign their own Creepiosity number to these and other curiosities via a companion Web site. (For example, what's more disturbing, hairless cats or Dick Cheney smiling? You decide!)
