How to Take over Teh Wurld
In I Can Has Cheezburger?, Professor Happycat brought LOLcats to the wurld. Nao he has gone back to his lair for 200 all-new LOLcats that give all aspiring kittehs the lessons they need to take over teh world (or at least their hoomins). A LOLcat is a picture of a cat with a funny, misspelled, caption. LOLcats are from the Internets and are full of win!!1!] icanhascheezburger.com was founded in January 2007 and has been at the center of the worldwide LOLcat craze ever since. The same folks run failblog.org, graphjam.com, and other sites.
The Expanded Reilly Method
Mike McCardell's bestselling books about finding rays of pure sunshine among the dark byways of the big city have a full measure of heartwarming tales but this time he declares, I have found the answer to enjoying an incredible life, no matter who you are or where you are or what you are doing or how much you weigh.In his 2008 book, Getting to the Bubble, McCardell described meeting the inspirational figure behind the Method, an autistic nine-year-old named Reilly, who had a sensationally runny nose and was perfectly convinced he could catch a fish in a polluted urban pond with a stick and a piece of string. Over the following year McCardell tried to face down deadline terrors and impatient bosses by imitating Reilly's unshakeable faith--and found it worked. Sort of. Most of the time. If you held your brain the right way. Soon he was expanding the Reilly method to other facets of life that had been giving him grief, and found it sort of worked there as well: I have not had a disagreement with my wife, because I have not wanted to. In truth, she has had some disagreements with me....Each time the Reilly Way appears to him and leads him out of danger, his faith in it becomes stronger. Will the Method hold up? That is the question that holds The Expanded Reilly Method together as reporter McCardell stumbles from one complicated and comical situation to another. It is never quite clear whether the author truly feels he has found a harmonious new approach to living or if he is doing a send-up of the self-help industry exemplified by Dr. Phil and Wayne Dyer. Either way the result is hilarious.
Haints in the Outhouse
Humorous stories about people from Harlan County, KY
What Would Kinky Do?
Kinky Friedman, who would be our contemporary Will Rogers if Will Rogers had been Jewish, smoked cigars, and foolish enough to believe he could govern the great state of Texas, returns with this collection of hilariously raunchy, sometimes poignant, and always insightful essays. With fearless wit and wisdom born from many a late night's experience, Kinky offers both pearls and cowpats that touch on life, death, and everything in between. Considering the current predicament of our nation and the world at large, the question is, "What would Kinky do?" His answers invoke Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan, Judy Garland, George Bush, and other cultural touchstones; reflect on Texas etiquette, smoking in bars, mullet haircuts, immigration policy, and how Don Imus died for our sins; and advise on how to handle a nonstop talker on a long flight, how to deliver the perfect air kiss, and what to do when a redneck hollers "Hey y'all, watch this!" Whether he's "the new Mark Twain" (Southern Living), "in a class with Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Will Rogers, and, yes, Henny Youngman" (The New York Post), "a Texas legend" (President George W. Bush), or "the Mother Teresa of literature" (Willie Nelson), Kinky Friedman is an outrageously funny and uncommonly smart observer of our common predicament: life and what to do about it. A little friendly advice from "Texas for Dummies" *Get you some brontosaurus-foreskin boots and a big ol' cowboy hat. Always remember, only two kinds of people can get away with wearing their hats indoors: cowboys and Jews. Try to be one of them. *Get your hair fixed right. If you're male, cut it into a "mullet" (short on the sides and top, long in the back---think Billy Ray Cyrus). If you're female, make it as big as possible, with lots of teasing and hair spray. If you can hide a buck knife in there, you're ready. *Buy you a big ol' pickup truck or a Cadillac. I myself drive a Yom Kippur Clipper. That's a Jewish Cadillac---stops on a dime and picks it up. *Don't be surprised to find small plastic bags of giant dill pickles in local convenience stores. *Everything goes better with picante sauce. No exceptions. *Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
Who’s to Say What’s Obscene?
Satirical essays by a countercultural icon about the moral obscenity of contemporary politics, culture, and comedy.
Mental
Eddie Sarfaty's astute and acerbic stand-up effortlessly captures the everyday absurdities of life, blending self-deprecation and sarcasm with a razor-sharp instinct for the ridiculous. In Mental, he expands his hilarious insights into a collection of autobiographical essays that explore career lows, cheapskate exes, the wonder and hell of family, psychopathic felines, and so much more. . . Whether recounting a family trip to Paris, where his ailing father shouts obscenities at the Mona Lisa, or discovering his mother surfing JewHunt.net in search of a mahjong ? trois, Eddie excels at bitingly, but lovingly, mocking his family. Spotlighting his own misadventures with equal relish, Eddie recounts his darkly funny experience stage managing an ill-fated Portuguese production of The Phantom of the Opera, reveals taking Ecstasy before lunch with Hillary Clinton, and recalls a one-night stand whose fondness for balloon animals would have animal activists up in arms. Eddie Sarfaty is a natural storyteller, and his candid wit-caustic, yet surprisingly poignant-proves just as endearing and hilarious in print as it is onstage.
Stick It to the Man
Finally, a brilliant guide to outwitting and outplaying the lopsided world of the law and power. Lemon computer? Learn how to make them take it back and give you a brand new, better, faster computer instead. Got a speeding ticket? Learn how to get out, fast. Tired of fighting with the cable company over incorrect charges on your bills? Learn how to get them to reverse all the charges in question . . . and get additional credits, instead. Big box stores seem like big busts? How to get the most from them. Want to screw the airlines--just like they've been screwing you for years? And much, much more. Don't bother fastening your seatbelt--that law is for girly-men--but hold on for this exciting read!
Free-Range Chickens
After a riotous debut collection, Ant Farm, Simon Rich returns to mine more comedy from our hopelessly terrifying world. In the nostalgic opening chapter, Rich recalls his fear of the Tooth Fairy ("Is there a face fairy?") and his initial reaction to the "Got-your-nose" game ("Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster"). He gets inside the heads of two firehouse Dalmatians who can't understand their masters' compulsion to drive off to horrible fires every day ("What the hell is wrong with these people?"). And in the final chapter, he tackles one of life's biggest questions: Does God really have a plan for us? Yes, it turns out. Now if only He could remember what it was. . . .
Suture Self
No need for a second opinion--this collection is a healthy dose of funny. New Yorker cartoonist Leo Cullum found a different way to beat colon cancer: by creating cartoons that poked fun at the medical industry with his all-too-true medical-themed new work, Suture Self. With observations like "It was a rare, but serious, side effect" and "This IS a second opinion. At first, I thought you had something else." you will literally split your sides. This book should be in every doctor's office waiting room. Laughter is the best medicine. No copay required. * Includes over 100 medical-themed cartoons that will leave readers feeling great. This is a perfect get-well gift idea. * More than 800 of Leo's cartoons have appeared in The New Yorker since 1977. * Cullum's work has also appeared regularly in Barrons and the Harvard Business Review, and has been featured at the Brooklyn Museum of Art.
The Perfect Baby Handbook
New parents are hipper, more educated, and more sophisticated than ever, but they're also highly competitive--a lethal combination when turbocharged by the anxieties of raising a baby. And for many couples, it's not just any baby, but the perfect baby. These "excessively motivated" parents will not sabotage Junior's future by denying him Mandarin lessons, a nursery chandelier (just like the one Gwyneth's kids enjoy), or advanced infant yoga. A hilarious, highly visual satire of childrearing manuals, The Perfect Baby Handbook provides much-needed comic relief from the pressures of modern parenting, and gives comfort to moms and dads who can say with a sigh of relief, "At least, we're not this bad."
DIY Dentistry and Other Alarming Inventions
Deranged devices and comic contraptions from the highly inventive and hilarious genius behind The Book of Bunny Suicides. Much like his hero, Renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci, bestselling author Andy Riley is not just an artist (or a liar)--he's an inventor. Imagine, if you will: - The easily assembled Pole-Dancing-Club-in-a-Briefcase for stranded businessmen- Christmas tree ornaments that provide surveillance to instantly tell Santa if you?ve been bad or good- A high-speed police response unit aptly named the Cop Catapult- The Arsehole Trap, which can clear an average size town of arseholes in a single day with its promise of Big Brother auditions Like a twenty-first-century Rube Goldberg on the wrong mix of meds, in DIY Dentistry and Other Alarming Inventions Andy Riley has created elaborate inventions that are often side-splittingly sociopathic and never short of patently hysterical.
Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington
Can anything be poetic in the politicking of Washington, D.C.? Is there poetry in the morning's headlines and in tonight's news tickers? Or, as Seely paraphrases Dr. Seuss, Do W's troubles trouble you, too? America's pundit poet laureate, the man who channeled the poetry of Donald Rumsfeld and Phil Rizzuto, now offers the perfect metaphor for the inside-the-beltway bubble: it's a nursery. Using the beneficent spirit of Mother Goose, he has fashioned hilarious nursery rhymes hidden amid the photo ops and filibustering. "John Kerry backed Iraq, John Kerry took it back," making him "a very airy, wary hara-kiri." Bill Bennett, "independent, Kept a hidden secret muse. He would clutch his lucky pendant, Praying, 'Papa needs new shoes!'" As for Iraq, "When you lose, you lose, and when you win, you win, and when you can't tell win from lose, best stop the war you're in." No one is safe from Seely's wicked muse: Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, virtually every news anchor, and a good portion of the Hollywood elite are skewered unforgettably by Seely's Mother Goosequills in this irreverent and hilarious collection.
Garfield Fat Cat 4
This uproarious collection includes three books in one: Garfield Makes It Big, Garfield Rolls On, and Garfield Out to Lunch. It's triple trouble in this three-book look at Garfield's mischievous misadventures. The fat cat eats himself into a food coma and sleeps like the dead. His trip to the vet is a real pain. And the Round Mound of Romance has girl troubles galore when he entertains two female felines. Is it any wonder the cranky cat likes to lessen his stress by occasionally kicking Odie into the next county?! Hey, that's just how Garfield rolls . . . The GARFIELD FAT CAT 3-PACK series collects the GARFIELD comic-strip compilation books in a new, full-color format. Garfield may have gone through a few changes, but one thing has stayed the same: his enormous appetite for food and fun. So enjoy some supersized laughs with the insatiable cat, because too much fun is never enough!
Mama Makes Up Her Mind
Welcome to the unique world of Bailey White. Her aunt Belle may take you to see her bellowing pet alligator. Her uncle Jimbuddy may appall you with his knack for losing pieces of himself. Most of all, you may succumb utterly to the charms of Bailey's mama, who will take you to a juke joint so raunchy it scared Ernest Hemingway or tuck you into her antique guest bed that has the disconcerting habit of folding up on people while they sleep.White's indelible vignettes of Southern eccentricity have entranced millions who have heard her read them on NPR. Mama Makes Up Her Mind is as sweetly intoxicating as a mint julep and as invigorating as a walk in White's own overgrown garden.
How to Live With a Huge Penis
Is Bigger Really Better? Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG), a genetic birth defect that grows the penis to absurd proportions. Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society, victims of their own freakish length and girth. How to Live with a Huge Penis brings them an inspiring message of tolerance and hope--along with helpful information on - Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family - Sharing Your Pain: Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis - Big Blessings: Unexpected Advantages of a Huge Penis - and much, much more Complete with prayers, poetry, a daily affirmations journal, and thoughtful quotations from leading self-help experts, How to Live with a Huge Penis will inspire men of all shapes and sizes.
Sunny Side Down
Lev is just like any other young, urban sub-professional who sees the world through inch-thick goggles of self-consciousness. Armed only with insecurity, doubt, and a seemingly inadvisable tenacity, Lev trudges through his days furiously analyzing himself and the world around him, desperately trying to figure out where he fits in. If you have ever felt like a perpetual square peg in a world of round holes, you have found a kindred spirit.
Dr. Hubbard’s Sex Facts for Men and Women
Reprinted in the original for the first time in 75 yearsListen to Dr. Hubbard!Keep your virtue! In the battle to retain her purity, a young woman's path is beset with dangers and traps. If he permits himself to look at suggestive pictures or indulge in lewd fantasies, a young man brings about thoughts that may cause his ruin. The man a woman should marry should be healthy, clean minded, and strong--not a weakling!On your wedding night, husbands must be tender and appreciate that their little wife has had a day of excitement and nervous strain.Did you know? Babies grow within the mother's body--babies are not brought by the stork nor in the doctor's black bag.
Thanks and Have Fun Running the Country
A few days after the election of Barack Obama, kids around the country were asked to provide advice and guidance to their new president. In this collection, there's loads advice for the president, often hilarious, sometimes heartfelt, and occasionally downright practical. Students from all over the country reach out to the 44th president, speaking to the issues closest to their hearts, relating their life stories, and asking for help. Topics include the economy, education, war, global warming, race relations in America and immigration. The book also includes letters about snow cones, puppies, microwavable burritos, dinosaur projects, multiplication and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, reportedly haunting a White House bedroom.Proceeds benefit 826 National, a network of nonprofit writing and tutoring centers around the country.
Swim Against the Current
America's most irascible and hilarious curmudgeon turns a kind and benevolent eye toward brave, hardy, and hardworking souls around the country who have found ways to break free from corporate tentacles; redefine success in business, politics, and life in general; and blaze new pathways toward a richer and happier way of life, from the farmers' cooperative that said "NO!" to Wal-Mart and thrived to the economists who got into the coffee business by accident and turned the entire industry on its ear.
The Real Thing
You may already know that Belgium is the most boring country on planet Earth, but do you know why? Or what makes the Mark 44, Model O Lazy Dog Missile Cluster, the sexiest piece of military hardware on wheels? Or how LSD edged out all contenders as the Platonic Ideal of illicit drugs?From cities to sitcoms, from scotch to soda, from English monarchs to French movies, The Real Thing is a compendium of the quintessential, providing definitive answers to some of the most compelling questions of our time: What confection out-cholesterols the competition? Why is The Country Club the country club? Which Charlie Chan proved the least scrutable? Author Kurt Andersen's pithy pronouncements sparkle with wit, sophistication, and a healthy dose of skeptical good humor as he strips world culture of accumulated hype and accepted wisdom, laying bare the sine qua nons and the ne plus ultras in a sassy series of satirical essays that give credit where credit is due while simultaneously foreclosing on the bogus, the ersatz, the would-be, and the has-been. The Real Thing is the real thing. These days, that's really something.
Chuck Norris Vs. Mr. T
In November 2007, Gotham Books unleashed The Truth about Chuck Norris upon the world and changed publishing forever. Containing 400 farcical facts about pop culture icon Chuck Norris, the book burned through thirteen printings, roundhouse kicked the New York Times bestseller list, and left readers delighted (and a little bit terrified).... Now Ian Spector has returned to his voluminous vault to bring readers 200 new Chuck Norris facts alongside 200 facts about his longtime antagonist Mr. T, in a battle that pits foot against fist, beard against mohawk, and Delta Force against A-Team. Included in this fearsome tome are such startling observations as: ? There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris. ? King Kong once challenged Godzilla to an arm-wrestling match. Mr. T won. ? The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. ? The last man to make eye contact with Mr. T was Stevie Wonder. ? Chuck Norris is a man's man's man. ? Mr. T once beat a man to death with his own corpse. A hilarious tribute to two of the greatest humans who have ever lived, Chuck Norris vs Mr. T is the one book that can finally reveal what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object.
How to Profit from the Coming Rapture
Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely. And that means one thing: investment opportunities! For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon? Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, How to Profit From the Coming Rapture instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.
Mere Anarchy
Here, in his first collection since his three hilarious classics Getting Even, Without Feathers, and Side Effects, Woody Allen has managed to write a book that not only answers the most profound questions of human existence but is also the perfect size to place under any short table leg to prevent wobbling. In hysterical flights of inspirational sanity we are introduced to a cast of characters only Allen could imagine: Jasper Nutmeat, Flanders Mealworm, and the independent film mogul E. Coli Biggs, just to name a few. Whether he is writing about art, sex, food, or crime, he is explosively funny. In "This Nib for Hire," a Hollywood bigwig comes across an author's book in a little country store and describes it in a way that aptly captures this magnificent volume: "Actually," the producer says, "I'd never seen a book remaindered in the kindling section before." Praise for Mere Anarchy INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER "The stories in Mere Anarchy deliver the same joys and foibles that have been with its author from the start."-Janet Maslin, The New York Times "Uproarious . . . In each story the ornate and the vulgate slam together and make it rain polysyllabic absurdity."-The Wall Street Journal "Nostalgically enjoyable . . . The stories in Mere Anarchy deliver the same joys and foibles that have been with its author from the start."-The New York Times "Brilliant neurotica . . . unfailingly entertaining . . . [an] obsessive and seriously funny book."-Los Angeles Times Book Review "Like the Carnegie's one-pound sandwiches, Allen's literary slapstick is . . . comedy on wry."-USA Today
The Bro Code
From the hit TV show How I Met Your Mother comes Barney Stinson's words of wit, wisdom, and awesomeness, The Bro Code--the New York Times bestseller (really!) with more than a million copies in print all around the world. Everyone's life is governed by an internal code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. But Bros in the know call this Holy Grail The Bro Code. The Bro Code is a living document, much like the Constitution. Except instead of outlining a government, or the Bill of Rights, or anything even resembling laws, The Bro Code provides men with all the rules they need to know in order to become a "bro" and behave properly among other bros. Historically a spoken tradition passed from one generation to the next and dating back to the American Revolution, the official code of conduct for Bros appears here in its published form for the first time ever. By upholding the tenets of this sacred and legendary document, any dude can learn to achieve Bro-dom. Containing approximately 150 "unspoken" rules, this code of conduct for bros can range from the simple (bros before hos) to the complex (the hot-to-crazy ratio, complete with bar graphs and charts). With helpful sidebros The Bro Code will help any ordinary guy become the best bro he can be. Let ultimate bro and coauthor Barney Stinson and his book, The Bro Code share their wisdom, lest you be caught making eye contact in a devil's three-way (two dudes, duh).
Hilarious Hunting Cartoons
No one understands the challenges and frustrations of the outdoorsman's life like John Troy, and no one makes the maddening business of hunting so riotously funny. Anyone still kicking himself over a missed shot, anyone wishing that his hunting dog had paid more attention in obedience school, or anyone who has ever been confounded by the antics of a pesky squirrel will enjoy this hugely delightful collection. In typical John Troy style, we are treated to one-panel lampoons of shooters who can't hit stuffed animals, bears that beat up hunters, and ducks that make their own decoys. They're funny because they're true. Hilarious Hunting Cartoons will delight both novice and experienced hunters and will make an excellent gift for yourself or a passionate hunter you know.
If You Didn't Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat
Whether he is accidentally cooking his brain with hand warmers or yanking his lure away from a trophy fish just before it takes the bait, Bill Heavey can do no right. For almost a decade, he has chronicled his incompetence on the back page of Field & Stream, where his hilarious dispatches about life as a hapless outdoorsman who lives in suburbia have earned him legions of fans. But Heavey is more than a humorist. The stories in this book range from amusing tales of a modern dad struggling to navigate the finer points of parenting and married life to longer and more serious narratives that involve travel, adventure, and tragedy. No matter what he's writing about, Heavey is a master of blending humor and pathos--and wide-ranging outdoor enthusiasms--into a poignant and potent stew.
Don’t Shit in My Hat and Tell Me It Fits
"If Archie Bunker had TiVo, he'd be the Kid from Brooklyn." --VH1 The perpetually pissed off and potty-mouthed Kid from Brooklyn, famous for classic video rants like "Starbucks" and "Bat Day," is back for more, spewing contempt for virtually everything in twenty-first-century American culture, unabashedly letting you know why "the world is comin' to a f*ckin' end." Now in his second book of unedited outraged observations, the Kid mouths off on all that America holds dear--or not: The Kid On Marriage: "I been married and I been in prison. There's no f*ckin' difference. Except sometimes the food is better in prison." The Kid On Men Versus Women: "I'd rather be a man than a woman any day. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you, all your orgasms are real, and if you retain water, it's in a canteen." The Kid On Gun Control: "The liberals are crying, '100,000 people were killed by handguns last year.' Would it make the liberals feel any better if them 100,000 people were pushed out of friggin' windows?" The Kid On Men Wearing Sandals: "I don't even wanna look at my own feet, and I sure as hell don't wanna look at someone else's. What we need is Foot Police--you got ugly feet and wear sandals in public, it's a $250 fine." The Kid On Britney Spears: "She's like the chick you had the hots for in high school and see at the ten-year reunion. She's gained sixty pounds, smokes unfiltered Camels, she's divorced with two bratty kids, and works at a take-out joint." The Kid On This Book: "Buy it or don't buy it, what the hell do I care?" And a buttload more about the good old days of growing up in Canarsie and the cast of screwballs, crazies, perverts, gangsters, retards, losers, and whack-jobs who made Brooklyn the garden spot of the world. Anyway, think about it, you mook. Mike Caracciolo, aka the Kid From Brooklyn, was born in Canarsie, a tough-as-nails blue-collar neighborhood. He's worked at number of professions, most notably as a ticket broker for sporting events and Broadway shows. He's appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live and two episodes of The Sopranos and his videos have been featured on YouTube and VH1. One of the Kid's most popular videos, Starbucks 2, has been chosen as one of the top fifty best online videos by VHI's WebJunk.com. He's author of Go F*** Yourself: The Kid from Brooklyn's Book of Rants and Other Stuff, and lives in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Visit his website at www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com. You got a problem with that?
The Customer Is Always Wrong
From mom-and-pop general stores to big-box, strip-mall chains, it is impossible to consider the American experience without thinking about the buying-and-selling retail culture: the sales and the stockrooms, the shift managers, and the clock punchers. The Customer Is Always Wrong is a tragicomic and all-too revealing collection of essays by writers who have done their time behind the counter and lived to tell their tales. Jim DeRogatis, author of Let It Blurt, for example, describes hanging out with Al himself at Al Rocky's Music Store, while Colson Whitehead explains how three summers at a Long Island ice cream store gave him a lifelong aversion to all things dessert-like. This book not only shines a light on the absurdities of retail culture but finds the delight in it as well.
Sneaking Out
From the endless battles of sibling rivalry to the endless worries about getting indifferent students into-and then graduated from-college, raising boys is the adventure of a lifetime for any mother. Prudence Mackintosh has not only survived the adventure but has also written about it with her signature wit and style. Her essays about life with sons Jack, Drew, and William have entertained the readers of Texas Monthly and other prominent magazines for nearly three decades, offering solace to similarly beleaguered parents and a knowing chuckle to everyone who enjoys watching the real-life sitcom of a fundamentally happy, intact family. Sneaking Out completes the story that Mackintosh began in her earlier books Thundering Sneakers and Retreads. In this collection of new and previously published essays, she recounts life with her adolescent sons as they race headlong to first jobs, first driver's licenses, first girlfriends, and first flights away from the family nest. She also follows them into the college years, when both parents and sons have to find a new balance in holding on and letting go. Along the way, she offers wise and witty reflections on being a woman at midlife, supporting her sons through the beginning of their adult lives and her parents through the end of theirs.
Brocabulary
Bro-cab-u-lary (n.): A revolutionary new lexicon for bonding with your brosPut down your BlackBerry, you PDA-hole, and step into the testosterzone with Brocabulary. Wax fandiloquent about your favorite team or have a fargone-versation at the bar. Brocabulary leaves the vagibberish to the chicks and shows you how to: Define your stripping point (the precise number of J瓣ger shots it takes to make a woman want to get naked with you).Conceal a bangover after a night of excessive sex.Elect yourself the next Abraham Drinkin' and make an Inebriation Proclamation ("Four whores and seven beers ago . . .").Stop brocrastinating!It's time to become everyone's guydol by leaving your mark on dudescussions for generations to come.
Death
The shocking new memoir from Death--this long-awaited autobiography finally reveals the inner story of one of the most troubling, and troubled, figures in history At last, the mysterious, feared, and misunderstood being known only as "Death" talks frankly and unforgettably about his infinitely awful existence, chronicling his abusive childhood, his near-fatal addiction to Life, his excruciating time in rehab, and the ultimate triumph of his true nature. For the first time, Death reveals his affairs with the living, his maltreatment at the hands of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the ungodly truth behind the infamous "Jesus Incident," and the loneliness of being the End of All Things. Intense, unpredictable, and instantly engaging, Death: A Life is not only a story of triumph against all odds, but also a tender, moving tale of unconditional love in a universe that, despite its profound flaws, gave Death the fiery determination to carve out a successful existence on his own terms.
Kerplunk!
Patrick F. McManus's gently comic stories about outdoor life have earned him millions of fans worldwide. With Kerplunk!, McManus delivers a collection of folksy, wonderfully wise depictions of country life worthy of Mark Twain. In these tall tales, McManus and his buddies learn how not to net a fish, why you should never get your hair cut by someone who's mad at you, what to do when a deer wanders into camp but your sleeping bag has frozen shut, and how to avoid bird-dog flatulence. Traveling the highways and byways of the Pacific Northwest, the delightful backcountry characters of Kerplunk! understand how a life of hunting and fishing -- and its inherent potential for misadventure -- can resonate with larger meaning. McManus's characters know exactly why it costs $500 to make a fly lure that retails for $2; why installing a boat trailer hookup can lead to divorce; and, most important, why you should always listen for the sound of your fishing line hitting the water -- because in life as it is in fishing, you don't know you're in the water until you hear the kerplunk! These wry, curmudgeonly tales appeal to real outdoorsmen and the armchair variety alike. Often nostalgic, occasionally philosophical, and always funny, the stories in Kerplunk! reaffirm Patrick F. McManus's reputation as an American classic.
The Year of Living Biblically 我的聖經狂想曲
Inspiration for the TV series Living Biblically streaming now! From the New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All comes a fascinating and timely exploration of religion and the Bible. A.J. Jacobs chronicles his hilarious and thoughtful year spent obeying?as literally as possible?the tenets of the Bible. Raised in a secular family but increasingly interested in the relevance of faith in our modern world, A.J. Jacobs decides to dive in headfirst and attempt to obey the Bible as literally as possible for one full year. He vows to follow the Ten Commandments. To be fruitful and multiply. To love his neighbor. But also to obey the hundreds of less publicized rules: to avoid wearing clothes made of mixed fibers; to play a ten-string harp; to stone adulterers. The resulting spiritual journey is at once funny and profound, reverent and irreverent, personal and universal and will make you see history's most influential book with new eyes. Jacobs's quest transforms his life even more radically than the year spent reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica for The Know-It-All. His beard grows so unruly that he is regularly mistaken for a member of ZZ Top. He immerses himself in prayer, tends sheep in the Israeli desert, battles idolatry, and tells the absolute truth in all situations--much to his wife's chagrin. Throughout the book, Jacobs also embeds himself in a cross-section of communities that take the Bible literally. He tours a Kentucky-based creationist museum and sings hymns with Pennsylvania Amish. He dances with Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn and does Scripture study with Jehovah's Witnesses. He discovers ancient biblical wisdom of startling relevance. And he wrestles with seemingly archaic rules that baffle the twenty-first-century brain. Jacobs's extraordinary undertaking yields unexpected epiphanies and challenges. A book that will charm readers both secular and religious, The Year of Living Biblically is part Cliff Notes to the Bible, part memoir, and part look into worlds unimaginable. Thou shalt not be able to put it down.
Cruise Confidential
In Cruise Confidential, Brian David Bruns spills the dirt -- or in this case, the dirty water -- on those romantic, fun-filled vacations at sea. His hilarious chronicle of the year he spent working for Carnival Cruise Lines takes readers down into the areas where the crew works and lives, leaving readers gasping with laughter as they're assaulted nonstop with events that range from the absurd to the utterly bizarre. Stewards fighting over food. Cutlery allowances and other nonsensical rules. What the crew calls those onboard (no, it's not "passengers"). And of course, the sex. An abundance of ready, willing, and able bodies eager for action on a vessel replete with nooks and crannies leads to love in some mighty strange, and seemingly impossible, places. Breezy, entertaining, and informative, Cruise Confidential is essential reading for those planning a cruise or for anyone who just needs a good laugh.
Cruise Confidential
In Cruise Confidential, Brian David Bruns spills the dirt -- or in this case, the dirty water -- on those romantic, fun-filled vacations at sea. His hilarious chronicle of the year he spent working for Carnival Cruise Lines takes readers down into the areas where the crew works and lives, leaving readers gasping with laughter as they're assaulted nonstop with events that range from the absurd to the utterly bizarre. Stewards fighting over food. Cutlery allowances and other nonsensical rules. What the crew calls those onboard (no, it's not "passengers"). And of course, the sex. An abundance of ready, willing, and able bodies eager for action on a vessel replete with nooks and crannies leads to love in some mighty strange, and seemingly impossible, places. Breezy, entertaining, and informative, Cruise Confidential is essential reading for those planning a cruise or for anyone who just needs a good laugh.
Sharks Just Wanna Have Fun
Jim Toomey is "a breath of fresh water." --Washington PostLauded for sparking dialogue on topics relating to marine life, Sherman's Lagoon appears in 250 newspapers in 30 countries in 6 languages.Collecting more than 42 weeks of Jim Toomey's Sherman's Lagoon, this collection transports readers to an imaginary lagoon near the South Pacific island of Kapupu, where a cast of coral reef critters live a charmed aquatic lifestyle.Commenting on such timely issues as rising sea levels, degrading water quality, and environmental pollution, inhabitants of Toomey's nautical neighborhood include Sherman, an always-hungry, but otherwise typical kind of great white shark, and his witty pearl-wearing wife Megan, along with friendly Fillmore the turtle, geeky fish Ernest, macho hermit crab Hawthorne, and salty old Captain Quigley, who remains vengeful after loosing his leg to Sherman.This is the 13th Sherman's Lagoon cartoon collection, in addition to two treasuries.
Stuff White People Like
They love nothing better than sipping free-trade gourmet coffee, leafing through the Sunday New York Times, and listening to David Sedaris on NPR (ideally all at the same time). Apple products, indie music, food co-ops, and vintage T-shirts make them weak in the knees. They believe they're unique, yet somehow they're all exactly the same, talking about how they "get" Sarah Silverman's "subversive" comedy and Wes Anderson's "droll" films. They're also down with diversity and up on all the best microbrews, breakfast spots, foreign cinema, and authentic sushi. They're organic, ironic, and do not own TVs. You know who they are: They're white people. And they're here, and you're gonna have to deal. Fortunately, here's a book that investigates, explains, and offers advice for finding social success with the Caucasian persuasion. So kick back on your IKEA couch and lose yourself in the ultimate guide to the unbearable whiteness of being. Praise for STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE: "The best of a hilarious Web site: an uncannily accurate catalog of dead-on predilections. The Criterion Collection of classic films? Haircuts with bangs? Expensive fruit juice? 'Blonde on Blonde' on the iPod? The author knows who reads The New Yorker and who wears plaid."-Janet Maslin's summer picks, CBS.com "The author of "Stuff White People Like" skewers the sacred cows of lefty Caucasian culture, from the Prius to David Sedaris. . . . It gently mocks the habits and pretensions of urbane, educated, left-leaning whites, skewering their passion for Barack Obama and public transportation (as long as it's not a bus), their idle threats to move to Canada, and joy in playing children's games as adults. Kickball, anyone?"-Salon.com "A handy reference guide with which you can check just how white you are. Hint: If you like only documentaries and think your child is gifted, you glow in the dark, buddy."-NY Daily News
Damn, It Feels Good to Be a Banker
In one word: egregious.Damn It Feels Good to Be a Banker is a Wall Street epic, a war cry for the masses of young professionals behind desks at Investment Banks, Hedge Funds, and Private Equity shops around the world. With chapters like "No. We do not have any 'hot stock tips' for you," "Mergers are a girl's best friend," and "Georgetown I wouldn't let my maids' kids go there," the book captures the true essence of being in high finance. DIFGTBAB thematically walks through Wall Street culture, pointing out its intricacies: the bushleagueness of a Men's Warehouse suit or squared-toe shoes, the power of 80s pop, and the importance of Microsoft Excel shortcut keys as related to ever being able to have any significant global impact. The book features various, vivid illustrations of Bankers in their natural state (ballin'), and, in true Book 2.0 fashion, numerous, insightful comments from actual readers of the widely popular website LeveragedSellOut.com. Thorough and well-executed, it's lens into the heart of an often misunderstood, unfairly stereotyped subset of our society. The view--breathtaking.Reader Responses "After reading this clueless propaganda, I strongly believe that you are a racist, misogynist jerk. FYI, Size 6 is not fat." --Banker Chick "Strong to very strong." --John Carney, Editor-In-Chief, Dealbreaker.com "I used to feel pretty good about making $200K/year." --Poor person
Relative Discomfort
Seeing family is like catching a head cold: a temporary discomfort relieved by a snifter or four of brandy." --Jeremy Greenberg Relative Discomfort is a sidesplitting, guffaw-inducing guide to living through and laughing at all of our family encounters. You know that knot you get in your stomach when you're about to come face-to-face with your Uncle Drunk and Aunt Enabler, or the brother-in-law who always wants to show you his gun collection? This book unties that knot. If your family more closely resembles the Simpsons as opposed to the Tanner, Keaton, or Huxtable clans, then chances are this book is for you. International headlining comedian Jeremy Greenberg writes from the premise that although we love our families, many of us don't particularly love spending time with those who share our dysfunctional DNA. To liven up the holidays, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and other family gatherings, Greenberg offers a collection of tips, tricks, games, and helpful hints that will not only help you survive your cousin's combination wedding/baby shower/high school graduation, but will also provide insights on how to move back into your parents' home when you're no longer a kid, or how to kick your adult-age son or daughter out of the family home if you're a parent. Sections like Children During the Holidays (How to Have Fun at Their Expense) and Red- and Blue-Staters (What to Do When the "Two Americas" Show Up at the Same Family Reunion) provide a lighthearted look at surviving inner-family dynamics, along with a possible concrete solution or two. (Peanut butter-Valium cookies anyone?)
When You Are Engulfed in Flames
"David Sedaris's ability to transform the mortification of everyday life into wildly entertaining art," (The Christian Science Monitor) is elevated to wilder and more entertaining heights than ever in this remarkable new book. Trying to make coffee when the water is shut off, David considers using the water in a vase of flowers and his chain of associations takes him from the French countryside to a hilariously uncomfortable memory of buying drugs in a mobile home in rural North Carolina. In essay after essay, Sedaris proceeds from bizarre conundrums of daily life-having a lozenge fall from your mouth into the lap of a fellow passenger on a plane or armoring the windows with LP covers to protect the house from neurotic songbirds-to the most deeply resonant human truths. Culminating in a brilliant account of his venture to Tokyo in order to quit smoking, David Sedaris's sixth essay collection is a new masterpiece of comic writing from "a writer worth treasuring" (Seattle Times). Praise for When You Are Engulfed in Flames: "Older, wiser, smarter and meaner, Sedaris...defies the odds once again by delivering an intelligent take on the banalities of an absurd life." --Kirkus Reviews This latest collection proves that not only does Sedaris still have it, but he's also getting better....Sedaris's best stuff will still--after all this time--move, surprise, and entertain." --Booklist Table of Contents: It's CatchingKeeping UpThe UnderstudyThis Old HouseBuddy, Can You Spare a Tie?Road TripsWhat I LearnedThat's AmoreThe Monster MashIn the Waiting RoomSolutions to Saturday's PuzzleAdult Figures Charging Toward a Concrete ToadstoolMemento MoriAll the Beauty You Will Ever NeedTown and CountryAerialThe Man in the HutOf Mice and MenApril in ParisCrybabyOld FaithfulThe Smoking Section
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The White House
Charles Osgood, one of America's favorite news personalities, offers a hilarious compendium of anecdotes from the last seventy years of presidential campaigns. With anecdotes from Harry Truman to JFK to George W. Bush, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the White House captures the wit and humor of the campaign trail. Culled from speeches, interviews, press conferences, as well as articles written by and about the candidates--no source is left untapped. From Bob Dole telling reporters after a loss in the primary that "I slept like a baby--every two hours I woke up and cried," and Barry Goldwater's comment that his talkative opponent Hubert Humphreys "has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts up to 340," to Adlai Stevenson declaring that "If I talk over the people's head, Ike must be talking under their feet," this is the go-to source for campaign humor. Just when America most needs a good laugh, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the White House makes the seemingly endless race to the presidency a lot more fun.
The Man Book
This book contains everything you need to know to be a man. Everything. It will prepare you for every situation you can imagine, from the office to the bedroom. It will improve your life no matter what you're doing...whether you're in a bar, in a fight, in a wedding, in an argument, at a game, at work, or in a stranger's bed. It's time to be a man. Read this book.
Men Are Better Than Women
Through a process of exhaustive man research he calls "keeping his eyes open," Dick Masterson has compiled a Magnum-size list of the ways men are better than women. It is an infallible compendium of man's greatness, filled with the most egregiously fallacious arguments ever put to words, but with some kind of miraculous, rock-solid man logic dripping like motor oil from every sentence. It is a manifesto more memorable than bullshit like High Fidelity or which Axe baby powder Maxim thinks you should slap on your nuts before clubbing, more chock-full of devastating man quotes than Oscar Wilde with two wangs. Most important, it is the only one of its kind. In Men Are Better Than Women, Dick Masterson dispenses logic from his man mouth into the eyes of his male readers like some kind of mighty mother man eagle with nutrient-rich word vomit. It's a book that makes you feel like driving a train into a dynamite factory and then tearing a telephone book apart with your bare hands, just because that's the way men have always done it. Masterson's chapters are simple and self-contained, demand no commitments from readers, and have an immediate payoff. Men Are Better Than Women is a dangerous work of satire -- not dangerous in a revolutionary sense, but dangerous in that it walks the razor-thin line between cruelty and absurdity. That line is called hilarious.
Watch Your Head
This strip is the culmination of a life's worth of dreams. I'm using the opportunity to entertain, enlighten, and be the trembly voice of the socially awkward everywhere." -Cory Thomas An edgy and nuanced strip-chronicling the demanding but reflective lives of six urban teens at Oliver Otis University.More Watch Your HeadCory Thomas's Watch Your Head is presented through the eyes of Cory, an academically brilliant but socially inept college student. His friends at Otis U. include Omar, a recluse who seems umbilically tied to his computer; Quincy, Omar's friend (and therefore Cory's friend by default); and Kevin, who, as both a Canadian and one of the few whites on a predominantly black campus, feels like a foreigner times two. Robin, the object of Cory's crush, and Jason, Cory's roommate and polar opposite, round out the cast. Through this diverse group, Thomas provides a raw critique on current social issues while perfectly relating the amusements, angst, and growth that come with the college experience. Watch Your Head currently appears in papers stretching from New York, Washington, D.C., and Boston to Chicago, Dallas, and St. Petersburg. This inaugural book offering collects more than 40 weeks of strips.
